mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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