I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
