My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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