Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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