the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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