i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
