Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
