I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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