turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
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Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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