FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
