Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
