Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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