Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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