we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
