I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize