On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
