What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
