I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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