dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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