remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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