I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
