Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
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