ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize