Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
