i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
