my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
