Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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