I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Girls should come with a carfax report
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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