she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
