My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
