He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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