I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
