dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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