and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
