Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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