she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
