Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
