u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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