This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize