my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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