How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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