highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
