I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
