Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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