I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We have so much sex to catch up on
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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