Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
