Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
