So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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