She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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