I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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