Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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