Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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