New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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