I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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