So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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